I started thinking about death. Death seems like such a peaceful concept during this time of grief. I wonder about it; not as a suicide, but as if something miraculous happened and took my life tonight. I would be at such peace right now. But I began to wonder who would actually miss me. Everyone seems so abundant in their lives; occupied with work, school, and other relationships. Would I really be a significant remembrance? My own girlfriend left me and is in her own fairy tale with a prince charming in Hong Kong. I doubt she'll remember me. This pain is so numbing and dreadful at the same time. I would no doubt miss her, if something were to happen. I think the most painful thing to know is that at the end of your life; you will be forgotten.
The one person I want to love me; loves me no more. She has moved on. I miss her. Memories of her pass in my head and I write it down on a notebook that I keep. There was this one time that she thought I had been mad at her and drove off but I came back with a birthday cake. She had the most beautiful smile on her face. I miss that- surprising her with things. She still holds a special place in my heart, but I know she wants more. I know I'm not the most attractive guy. She's drawn by the defined features of a western european man. How can I compete with that? I've been competing with that all my life. I had been constantly made fun of for being asian by these people and now, have lost my girlfriend to them.
It's a sad reality. In asia, we are rejected for being americans and in america we are set apart for being asian. It is especially difficult for us males because asian men aren't seen as that attractive. I sometimes wish that people can look past personal appearances and just look at content. It's an unreasonable request , of course.
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