Perspective

There is always this one friend that I talk to that puts things into perspective for me. Out of everyone that I speak to, no one has helped me get passed my feelings better than her. I'm kind of thankful that we were able to reconnect.

What happened really isn't my fault. She fucked up. She didn't value our relationship as she should have. I'm just clinging to the pain because I'm too scared to move on. I am scared. I'm scared to get out there and be hurt again. I think I just want her to want me back, but not necessarily that I want her.

I feel like throughout this whole ordeal, I had no control in what was happening and I wanted to end things on my own terms and I just feel so pathetic for not breaking it off earlier, when she had treated me so badly. I let her continue to put me through this roller coaster.

Driving

There were so many moments in my car. So many moments where we just hopped in the car and drove to nowhere.. just driving.. just us two.. on our little adventures. We would take midnight drives out to Camillus and I would ask her if she remembered which way we were going- West or East? Trying to help her remember directions til the day she navigates and so that she would not get lost. I'll miss that. I'll miss our drives. We could take drives forever. We always had something to talk about on those drives.

Invisible

It seems like everything I did for this girl goes unnoticed. Her family only magnified my faults, but couldn't even realize the sacrifices I made for her. I was so torn and I still tried to make it work with her. I tried to put my pain aside to mend our relationship and as a result, I went completely insane for awhile. I had to seek counseling. I've felt so weird and out of place during this time.

I moved up to Syracuse because of her- I mean, for school, too, but mostly because of her. I took care of her the best I could. I took her places and surprised her with little things and adventures. I took Chinese, so I could communicate better with her parents. I cooked for her. I talked to her. I cheered her up, when she was down. I always tried my best to communicate even though I didn't like to fully communicate to anyone, not even with my past ex's. I opened up sooo much to her. I opened up to the point where I left myself wide-open for a blow to the heart.

Nobody noticed how much I went through in this last month, not even her, she saw my pain, but she didn't see my sleepless nights and my constant fight and restrain with myself to not contact her. She didn't see how much I have had to hold inside because there's no one there to listen. Nobody understands her or what she did. They just say to forget her and let her go, but I know her. I know what she did. She's lost; just as I am right now. I want to bring her back and show her that this isn't reality and that this isn't how her reality needs to be.

Get over it

I can't help, but just look at this screen the whole day.. hoping that she still cares. There's still his little ounce of hope that we would still work. I just want to feel special again. I just want to feel like out of every guy in the world that she only looked at me and wanted to be with me and me only. That moment that she told me what happened, I lost that feeling. I didn't feel special anymore. I didn't feel like I was the luckiest guy in the world anymore. I just felt average.

Blame

You can only blame yourself for how you react to certain situations. I have to take responsibility to the fact that I let my failed relationship and my unfortunate roommate situation dictate my performance in classes for the last few weeks.

Thank goodness I started off strong, but now I have to fight my way back to the top.
Life throws you these circumstances to test you and so you may endure and become stronger. I shouldn't depend on anyone for my happiness. That is a hard lesson for me to learn.

It was her choice to do what she did. Normally, people would say fuck their exes and not even speak to their ex after a situation like that, but I believe I'm stronger than that and though she wronged me- she was a good friend. I know me and I know that I would never falter or do that to someone I loved. It's an unfortunate circumstance, one that life throws at you over and over again.

I'm so much better than that... and I have to show myself I am. It's still so weird, though. She mentioned some realizations that she had and I had similar ones. I can't see myself in these rural areas anymore as she mentioned in an email. Living at this school for the last month, I realized that I enjoy nature, but I really like feeling like I can just escape into a city by myself and not be of importance to anyone. I can feel as though- this is my world and not have to worry about anyone else or what anyone else thinks because they don't know me. It's a nice feeling.

The commonality in feelings is definitely something I will miss in this relationship, but I can't sulk in what could have been. It's over. There are more memories to be made. The sulking only delays that. My future is bright.

Talking with the Mate

I had a very insightful conversation with one of the Mates on the ship. We spoke about careers, life, family, love, relationships..etc. It was nice to be able to talk to somebody that came from the same culture that I did and I feel that I carry a lot of traditional tendencies within my personality and the more I speak with other people.. the more I am able to see myself in an objective way.

Dirty Songs

I can't even hear that rap music that raps about sex anymore. I can't stop imagining it. What is wrong with me right now?

Reign over me

I'm currently feeling the movie Reign over me. It's such a touching movie. It has such an appealing rush of emotions. There is a sense of loss, friendship, loyalty, and rediscovering oneself. In someways, I feel as though I'm building friendships like that. Friendships that will lift me up when something horrible happens. From the sadness and tragic loss of ones' family comes the rekindling of a beautiful friendship.

Six girls you'll date in college

Sex

Is it possible to be repulsed by sex? Even thinking about it or even looking at pornography grosses me out because I look at it and all I can see is how she can do it with another guy. It feels so gross and disgusting to me now.

Hands

I had a dream about my hands today. I had been staring at my hands and noticed holes in my hands.. like I could see through to the other side . It look quite disturbing, because i could still see some bone and muscle, but there was barely any there. It was pretty much hollow and then I looked back again and it began healing and was mending and I could no longer see through to the other side of my hand. I was curious as to the meaning of this dream and so I looked up and this the interpretation that I received:

To dream of your hands represent your relationships with those around you and how you connect with the world. Hands serve as a form of communication and can represent authority, hate, protection, justice, etc depending on the gesture. The dream may also symbolize feelings of loneliness.To dream that you hands are injured denote an attack on your ego.

Dreams are such a complex thing and to interpret them based on a dictionary with no history of your experience or your life is unrealistic, but I'm hoping that this means that I'm start to heal internally and I'm starting to be able to connect with the world again.

Paths

Paths are such a peculiar thing. They lead us down these trails to unspeakable surprises. I realize now that I have to let her continue her path; no matter how much pain or sorrow that I foreshadow, there is really no way for her to understand until she has experienced it. Douchebags are douchebags because they're good at manipulating girls.

I've been the shoulder for countless girls and it's always the same type of guy and I know from my experiences what their intents are, but without those experiences, those girls would have never had known what they really want out of life. I just have to trust that she will be okay. It's not my job to protect her anymore.

No matter if I want to save her, I can't. This is her path now. I wanted to be there to guide her along her way, but I think this is something she has to do alone. I have to break apart from her now because our emotions for each other are still fresh and all the anger and anguish will only break our relationship apart. I trust that someday we may be great friends- maybe even lovers again, but only time will tell if our paths with cross again. I'll love her always, but for now, I will work on myself and move on from this.

Nice guys finish last

I always was the nice guy. I've tried to change and be an asshole and to certain extent, I am an asshole, but still the nice guy never seems to get the girl. It's always the douchebag that attracts them; the frat boy, the bad boy, the type of guy that will come off as a nice guy, but is in actuality gonna treat her like shit in the end. And girls like that for some reason, they don't appreciate what they have, they don't want a nice guy to settle with. They want inconsistency.. in a way, I think they want to be abused. It's a pretty sad reality. But you can't really tell them that because they're mesmerized by their charm and their ability to socialize. Douchebags are good at that. This type of mentality breeds douchebags, but I refuse to become one. If a girl can't see a douchebag for who he really is, that is a major issue. That is a sign that if she wants to get back with you in the long run, she will still think of that douchebag and not appreciate you enough because she remembers the adrenaline she feels when she was with the douchebag. Even if after it all, she knows that the douchebag was wrong for her, she will still want the douchebag.

Forgotten

I'm sure everyone thinks about it every so often. I, especially now, think about it. Washing dishes is such a solitary chore and it allows me time to reflect and think. Mostly because I'm washing dishes for about 2000+ cadets.

I started thinking about death. Death seems like such a peaceful concept during this time of grief. I wonder about it; not as a suicide, but as if something miraculous happened and took my life tonight. I would be at such peace right now. But I began to wonder who would actually miss me. Everyone seems so abundant in their lives; occupied with work, school, and other relationships. Would I really be a significant remembrance? My own girlfriend left me and is in her own fairy tale with a prince charming in Hong Kong. I doubt she'll remember me. This pain is so numbing and dreadful at the same time. I would no doubt miss her, if something were to happen. I think the most painful thing to know is that at the end of your life; you will be forgotten.

The one person I want to love me; loves me no more. She has moved on. I miss her. Memories of her pass in my head and I write it down on a notebook that I keep. There was this one time that she thought I had been mad at her and drove off but I came back with a birthday cake. She had the most beautiful smile on her face. I miss that- surprising her with things. She still holds a special place in my heart, but I know she wants more. I know I'm not the most attractive guy. She's drawn by the defined features of a western european man. How can I compete with that? I've been competing with that all my life. I had been constantly made fun of for being asian by these people and now, have lost my girlfriend to them.

It's a sad reality. In asia, we are rejected for being americans and in america we are set apart for being asian. It is especially difficult for us males because asian men aren't seen as that attractive. I sometimes wish that people can look past personal appearances and just look at content. It's an unreasonable request , of course.

Stranger in the train

On my way back upstate, I came upon a stranger in the train. He was irritated and frustrated. He came from a different walk than I, but we felt the same emotions. It was comforting to feel normal and to feel as another human feels. Though we were so different, we were also really alike. We were trying to break apart from a part of us that was really not there anymore; a broke relationship. We talked for a good 15 minutes before we parted ways. It was probably the most comforting 15 minutes I had felt for awhile. I did most of the advice giving, but I think, secretly, he was helping me give myself advice.

Confusion

I have so many mixed feelings towards everything. She seems okay with us breaking up. It seems like I'm having a more difficult time dealing with this than she is. She's probably going out; drinking, making out and having all the sex she wants. I still have trouble getting over it. I don't feel like I will ever find a relationship quite as great as ours. Yeah, she found this guy attractive and she had sex with him and he got what he wanted. She rewarded him for him being a douchebag and hitting on her when she had a boyfriend, but honestly, I watched the video on youtube and she was practically mesmerized by him. She was constantly following him with the camera and maybe she did kind of bring it upon herself. I've been going out for the last few nights and for some reason, I couldn't get myself to converse; I was still caught up on her. I don't understand how she could go out and let a guy touch her like that.. in such an obscene and savage way and be okay with it. I mean.. he was inside her for godsakes. How is that okay? I guess I will never quite understand. I sent her a care package while we were still trying to work things out, I'm pretty sure she just threw out those pictures of us as if it was nothing. Why do I care so much? Why can't I get over this? SHE FUCKED A GUY BEHIND MY BACK TWICE. Why can't I respect myself enough to stop talking to her?

Tattoo

To my parents, a tattoo represents a sort of taboo or vulgarity of your body, but I feel that it is the deepest form of expression you can possibly have. I got a tattoo of a dragon when I was 17 and though, it may seem cliche because I am asian, it helps me remember how far I've come. My grandmother had passed away around that time. I was doing something that I felt would distinguish me and help me remember who I was.

With the loss of a loved one, you begin to question identity and purpose in life. I chose the dragon, not only because it was my Vietnamese name and my Zodiac sign, but a dragon represents so much; courage, confidence, strength, the will to succeed. My dragon is me, in a sense. I never found the time to add on to it, but I believe I'm ready now. I had this idea of what I wanted added on, but it never had a strong enough meaning to me for it to be imprinted on my body. But with the passing of another relationship, I see this tattoo as my representation of another stage of growth. My values reflect my decisions.

I hold loyalty to the highest standard, when it comes to friends and family. What she did in that moment, she did for herself. She knew that she had no future with that guy, but she liked him enough that he was good for her in the moment. She forgot about our relationship and essentially, I wasn't enough for her. She knew that I would be a guy that would be able to give her a future, but she used me. I can admit it now.

This tattoo will help me remember that, no matter who it is, you should never let people take advantage of you. She took advantage of the love we had and pushed it to its limits. I will hold my values true. I am going to keep the image of what I am getting a secret until it is complete, but I trust that I will be satisfied with the end result.

Rejection

Hold those memories as only memories. Do not allow yourself to regret. I heard this quote the other day that spoke about rejection as a passage of growth. It came from a very unlikely source, when I was feeling down. It is from the show Castle. This quote came at such an appropriate time that it left a imprint in my mind til now. This is more of a conversation than a quote, but this is how it went:

A: How do you do it dad?
B: Do what?
A:That letter that you have framed in your office.
B: My first manuscript framed rejection...
A: How could you stand having it there?
B:Because it drives me and I got 20 more of those [before i was published]. That letter... that letter reminds me of what I've overcome. Rejection isn't failure. Failure is giving up. Everybody gets rejected it's how you handle it that determines where you'll end up.

I think this conversation holds true for anything we are trying to overcome. If we just try to bury the memory, it doesn't disappear. Yet embracing such failures may give us the strength to see what accomplishments shaped us into who we are. In a way, I have to thank Wendy, she made me stronger, she made me feel what it was like to be alone again because , frankly, we have to rely on solely ourselves in the end.

Acceptance

I had my first session with the school counselor. I feel like I've been crying forever, but it helped. I feel as though I'm able to see things more clearly every time I think about what she's done. At this point, I just have to accept her pattern of not being committed and continue on with my path. I loved and I learned. She obviously was not for me. It's sad, but it's over and there will be someone that deserves me, one of these days. For now, I will live for myself.

Recognition

Today is Recognition day. It is the official transition from Cadet Candidate to Cadet. We are officially welcomed into the Regiment at Mass Maritime Academy. Though recognition means little to me, it does represent something to me; a new start. A day that will allow me to move on and continue with my journey to becoming a strong-willed independent individual. Sometime tonight or tomorrow, I will officially be on my own; no more girlfriend, no more thinking about the past, no more of what I was. From here on out, I am focusing on myself, my own personal growth. I continue to struggle with my emotions, but I feel that in time these emotions will subside and I will go on knowing that I survived this. It's a personal struggle with yourself to be led down a path of betrayal. You have no control over it. The only thing that you can control is how you react to it. She may take this easy or she may not, but I can't allow that to stop me from what I have to do. She showed me no regard, when she cheated on me and I should consider that before I put her first again. But for now, this is me; Cadet Nguyen/ 1st Co. Son, Brother, Friend. Just another soul trying to make it in the world.

Rough waves

Beginning a new school is hard. And beginning a new school after finding out that your girlfriend cheated on you is even harder. There is a certain instinct that we possess to hold on and to grasp the things we hold dear to us, but in some instances, we have to find respect for ourselves and find the will to continue and hold our heads up high regardless of what life throws at you. This last month has been extremely difficult. Relapses of anger and regret held present in the month of September. I felt betrayed and alone. Everything felt empty and unclear. A year of happiness ruined by simple lapses in judgment and selfish adulterated fun. Regardless of the circumstances, something happened that may never be erased and it is a duty to myself to move on and allow myself to mend and grow. We grasp, but sometimes grasping tires us out and we must eventually let go. I thought that we had the perfect relationship of trust and understanding.

Her selfish acts led her with only minimal consequences compared to the pain and agony that I exhibited. Though she felt a portion of my relapses through 100's of calls to her cell and yelling and cursing over skype, she could not possibly see how I was/am everyday. People stare and question my anger and dismay. I try to hold it in. I try to integrate my stresses into some sort of productive process, but I'm not functioning. Functioning an engine requires maintenance, oil, and fuel to drive it. My fuel was my passion.. my willingness to see the good..the good that allowed me to meet such a wonderful girlfriend.

But in the end, it was all a lie.

Yes, I am bitter; bitter to a world that ceases to throwing me curve balls, but I must go on. I must not be afraid. I must be strong. I will survive. I will find comfort again. Wherever life goes, I will not let this control me.