I haven't felt something real in awhile. Is it my constant wanderlust that causes this?

What you did to me was so fucked up. As a result, I question everything I do. You never admitted your faults and that's what pisses me off the most. You screwed me over when I was there for you and you're okay with that. That just goes to show what a great human being you turned out to be.

It was so much easier keeping focused on sea term. Away from social media and all the distractions of everyday life. I was so much more productive and I was slowly becoming at peace with myself, but I feel like I could have used a few more months of that. Despite the fact that I shared a hold with 40 other people, I felt more isolated and able to do what was needed. Tolerance was a necessary trait because there was nowhere else to go. The more that there is to do leads to less being done. The effort used to separate what interests are necessary and which aren't takes away from my effort of actually completing a task and once again that compulsive mentality where I want to do everything at once takes over.

Put your big girl panties on and deal with it

After an accident that could have ended in a bigger disaster than it did, I feel that was my sign/signal to make the hard decisions and grow up. I look back on this year and I know it may be full of regrets that I may never take back, but rather than sulk in my mistakes- I should try to take them as lessons and to grow from this experience. I'm a compulsive person. I realize that and sometimes its good and sometimes its bad. I want to do so much. I want to live, but at some point in my life, I may have to stay in one spot and just breath the air before moving on to the next. I'm sick and tired of running away, but sometimes it hard to distinguish what is "running away" and what is making the right decision for me. I'm a very short-minded person and tend to live life in the moment and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm still wandering through that tunnel with a flashlight and trying to find little souvenirs to bring to the end. I have more excuses than accomplishments and its something I need/want to change.

Despite the fact that it still hurts when I think about you. I still try to revisit the past and any sort of news or feedback I hear from you makes me content to know you're okay and you're doing well. I don't want to hate you. Everybody says I should hate you and that to get over someone; you have to learn to hate them , but I don't think you need to hate somebody to get over them.
I feel like I'm serving a jail sentence here, which doesn't help my optimism and I still have points of highs and lows, but all in all, things are looking up. I tend to put too much on my plate than I can handle, but I'm learning to manage and some day, I will be free again.
I try to look at everything with a positive outlook and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I guess it's all part of growing up. I can't run anymore. I'm getting a little too old. I want to do so much.. but I know that I should stay grounded for awhile before I continue with my adventures.
I talked to this kid last night who told me.. I'm one of those guys that is just up for anything, but I'm trying to do so many things at once that I end up not doing anything, which I can say is very telling of my nature. Someday after I'm finished here, I think I just want to bum around the world and just do what the hippies do.. or would it be more like gypsies?

All I ever wanted was for you to understand. Understand where I was coming from. Every aspect of my life has not been easy. You had it so much easier than me. You actually had a family that supported you. I always struggled to be the strong one. My mom kicked me and my brother out of the house when I was 3 and he was 7.. I don't even know what for. But I remember times where my mom would make us choose who we were going to be with if our family split up. I was fuckin' 8! Who the fuck tells an 8 year old that shit? I learned to put my guard up with them and I learned to not depend on them for emotional support and with you it was different. I opened up all my walls and you couldn't deal with it. You couldn't understand that you were the only thing I really had. Why do you think I never went home? Yes, I missed them every so often, but it wasn't home for me. I never came home to a loving family. It was always hell there.. and you knew it too. I put all the love I could into our relationship and that was the best I could do and you betrayed me. You gave that intimacy to someone else. How could you not understand that?

Hi World,

I know you work in mysterious ways. I know I have to look pass what happens to me in the present and feel for the results that come after. You meant me no harm.. I understand now. You make it so hard sometimes, but I know everything will work out in the end. It always has. Thank you, World.

Yours truly,

Pierre