Dreaming of a past not yet forgotten.

I dreamt of her today.. numerous times. The pain never really seems to subside and hatred just stays. Hatred.. how I loathe you. Why do you continue to follow me like a shadow in the light. I hate her for cheating on me and I hate her for continuing a relationship that she cheated on me with, but I still love her and I still remember her and every good memory returns and brings back sadness and pain. I miss dancing in the middle of grocery aisles and I miss embraces. More so, I miss that love that I felt. My love for her forced so much change in myself. I wanted to do better and I did. Why can't I move on? She obviously doesn't care about you anymore. She hasn't thought about you since that day that you broke up. She moved on.. she found someone else. Why is it so hard to believe? Why you I constantly suffer?

Man vrs the world

I guess I was in somewhat of a depressive state for this entire semester. It's been hard dealing with it and I'm still struggling with it. But what I've learned is that you can never really fully rely on someone to be there for you. Everyone has their own lives and you either get lost in things by yourself or you move on. Sadly, I had to go through everything by myself and it's been difficult because I still care and I think that's what hurt me the most.
I've been told that I care too much about everything and in this world, I guess it's a flaw. People don't want to know too much about things and you just have to learn to harden your heart a little. This world forces you to do that. Nobody remembers the guy that stops and helps a stranger, but they remember a man that makes a fortune.
I think that's what my mom has been trying to teach me all along. That no matter how much you care or how great of a person you are- girls are still going to leave you for the guy with the bigger checking account. No matter how much you TRY to give them everything that you can, they won't be satisfied.
In the end, the man with the biggest heart is mistaken for the man with weakest character. There's gotta be some way around that. Can't I still care for people, but not get hurt?

Last Supper

Tonight was the last supper to be served for me at Mass Maritime for almost four months. I don't know what to expect on sea term, but I'm hoping to learn a lot. The future is uncertain and exhilarating. I have this week and half break to recuperate and bond with old friends. I plan to take it to my full advantage and off to the sea I go. I guess this is another step in my journey. As Phil Harris once said:

"Look for the bare necessities
The simple bare necessities
Forget about your worries and your strife
.....
And don't spend your time lookin' around
For something you want that can't be found
When you find out you can live without it
And go along not thinkin' about it
I'll tell you something true"

The bare necessities of life will come to you"

Farewell, Mass Maritime. For now.

This semester has been a mix of so many emotions; somewhat uplifting, eye-opening, informative, happy, sad, depressing, exciting, new... It's hard to explain. I'm kind of at peace right now. I packed my first bag to put into storage and I don't mind coming back next semester. I realize that at the start of the semester- I was so bitter and so closed off, but I didn't notice that. It made it hard for people to befriend me, but I'm so much better now. I think I'll be okay. It feels weird being on my own, but I kind of like it. I mean that female companionship is nice, but I think I can handle just having friends right now. I'm at peace at last and it feels exhilarating. Mass Maritime might be full of odd people, but for the most part, they're good people. Time's have changed and society has changed. I'm a half a decade older than most of the freshman and you can see how things have changed in such little time. I don't mean to sound like an old man, but we're in a time of a technological revolution. I remember a time when texting wasn't as prevalent and sidekicks were the shit. I remember actually have long conversations on the phone, but now we just text everyone. It's weird, it's new, but I guess you just have to embrace it. So, so long Mass Maritime, till next year; we'll meet again.

Duped

I feel so duped. Why do you women feel like they can always take advantage of me? Do they see weakness in my kindness? I'd like to think I'm kind-hearted. It's painful to be used... to be someone's little toy that they think they can play with whenever they want. I didn't deserve anything that happened to me. But why did it happen? I will never know.. It's just kind of sad that people can't just accept me for all the good that I try to be. I try to be a good man and I try to do the right thing... most of the time, but I'm only duped out of life and given second best.